Whilst Solskjaer searches for the one striker he hasn’t bought
yet - there is rumoured to be a midfielder at Crystal palace who once played up
front in an under 16 game - our attention turns to the world cup.
Firstly Germany v Portugal.
Or baddies, playing in white to confuse us, playing the
goodies, the team from that sun soaked gorgeous holiday resort called Portugal.
Now we must try to be impartial. One country has invaded the world twice in the
last hundred years, has bled the continent dry of money to keep its own currency
low and feeds its tourists bloated, tasteless sausages. The other is a land of
sun, smiles, sexy women, cheap lager and wonderful fish dishes, a peoples whose
only excursion aboard was to create Brazil, that famous resort of murder, child
prostitution and sublime football. Can’t be all bad then.
Ok so got your green scarf ready. Off we go.
Portugal are over whelmed by the Hun and Adrian Chiles loses
it.
Now you may think by ‘lose it’ I mean he got a bit shouty, a
little sweaty under the gills (of which he has a few) and juggled about in his seat
glaring at the boring panellists ITV have inflicted upon us. Well, picture the
lady of your life when you have forgotten her birthday, or worse remembered it
and bought the same present as last year, just when it is her time of the month
and she has just had a row with her mum. You there yet? How about you laughing
at the thought of Mohammed flying to Jerusalem on a white horse when you realise
you are chatting to a well-armed Jihadist? Ah, great, up to speed.
Adrian’s problem? Well he has never before seen a German footballer
dive to the ground holding his face. I know. Yes, it happens in every German
football match since 1872 when Heinrick Stockridger was dispossessed, so
screamed, clutched his face, rolled around on the floor screaming, ‘they are
murdering me, send him off.’ It is a ruse taught to German boys as soon they
can stand. Once they can stand they are taught how to fall to the floor. They
have a national qualification for it. No male is allowed to fail. So no big
deal, and certainly no surprises then.
Except to Mister Chiles, who obviously doesn’t get out very
often.
He couldn’t believe that the moronic imbecile Bebe, who,
having already got away with thrusting his fist into Muller’s face, as if he were
a light weight boxer, then returned to head-butt him. Yep, no marks for intelligence
so he is sent off and off goes Adrian.
Next time the ref should send off Adrian Chiles at the same
time - and I like his blokey delivery.
The ITV panel.
Aaargh. Now ITV isn’t short of money when it comes to these sorts
of things. Not quite as much money as the BBC of course but then ITV isn’t allowed
to stick its hand in your pocket and tear out £145 without so much as a thank you
before handing it over to Miranda Hart and the cat of the nearest soap. But ITV
do get advertising revenue and, as you know, the advertisers think that guys
only drink beer, play video games and are worried about their hair. Well 2 out
of 3 ain’t bad. Most of stopped worrying about our hair when it disappeared
inside our heads to reappear in our nostrils, ears and other unsavoury places.
So with all that dosh and four years to plan why can’t they
find a pundit with something to say? Lee Dixon should realise he doesn’t have
to be liked, which is fatal quality in a pundit. Tell it like it is Lee. A man
can have too many Christmas cards anyway sop don’t fret if they never text you
agian. Patrick Viera is a good choice, wise and cool headed and jeez is he
really that big. How on earth did he reach down to do up his boots? Or did he
get Roy Keane to do it for him? Fabio Cannavaro’s English is better than my Italian.
Yep, I don’t know a word of Italian. Fabio is the kinda guy who is misnamed.
Who shall we invite to the party tonight? Well these geezer Fabio has an
exciting name. What could go wrong . zzzzzz.
Four years to plan it! Come on ITV.
The BBC only have to put up with Robbie Savage but they seem
to know this and keep directing the questions at the other panellists. Can’t
think why.
Brazil 3 Croatia 1
Croatia could have caused an upset. But Neymar and Oscar
played even better for their country than they do for the home teams. They were
both awesome. Of course Neymar would have been sent off in any European match
or if Brazil weren’t playing at home. But that’s football.
England 1 Italy 2
England played exciting footie. Yep read that again. At
times they looked impressive except that Italy look like a team that hadn’t won
in seven games. A tired slow defence and a luck lustre attack so it isn’t easy
to see where England are at the moment.
Having got used to England playing mediocre forwards like Emile
Heskey and Roy Carroll for generations it was exciting to see young kids
tearing at the defences.
But if they cannot beat Italy I cannot see them go far.
BTW am I other only person who felt Rooney played ok. I don’t
mean brilliant or thrilling, but he broke down attacks and got the cross over
for the England goal. Yeh, yeh, he should have scored. Ease off the guy, he is sensitive.
Spain 0 Chile 2
Bad news for those of you insane enough to like the tippy
tappy, ‘you can’t get the ball off of us and we are going to play from left to
right and then backwards until you surrender from boredom’ style of football.
Spain were found out. If you haven’t got the ball then you cannot bore everyone
rigid. Holland rolled them over and then and exuberant Chile did the same. End
of an era.
So Gary Medal as centre half? Rub your eyes and watch the
match. Has European footie got it wrong? Everyone knows the two centre halves
need to be approaching 7 foot and with the combined weight of a Centurian tank driven
by John Prescott. Yet Gary beat the lame Spanish forwards in the air, on the ground
and in the middle. Then he did what we all know he can do, distribute the ball
quickly.
 |
| CenturianTank, good on the ground but not very mobile in the six yard box. |
 |
| Shorter than you would think except when jumping above tall forwards. |
Sobs. I will miss him when he moves on.
Australia 2 Holland 3
The Aussies can do battle with the best of them. A brilliant
Robben solo goal is matched by an awesome Cahill volley. Sadly the team from
down under wilted like a lager left out at a barbecue. The dutch were, just
about, worthy winners but shame to see them fly home.
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