Why England lost to Uruguay, Steven Caulker and no talk of a Golden Generation

Why England lost to Uruguay.

They just weren’t good enough nor did they want it enough.

Uruguay has a population about the size of Wales with players who, with the exception of Suarez, would struggle to get into a championship team in the UK.

Alf Ramsey said you need at least one world class star to do well at a world cup and he was blessed with three, Banks, Moore and Charlton. England have none. Yep, none. No, it is none, honest. If you are going to call Rooney a world class star then what are you going to call Neymar, Oscar or Robben?

Worse, England were fielding players who would barely count as internationals in most countries. Has Hodgson not noticed the class of Steven Caulker? This idea of choosing only players from the top successful teams is understandable but not to notice sheer class is inexcusable.

Are Jagielka, Johnson or Henderson the sort of players you would see in even a mediocre Italy team? 

Secondly after sheer class comes the ‘desire to win’. You had this quality in Australia, the Dutch and with Uruguay. Apart from Baines was anyone really that hungry for the ball and to achieve anything once they had it? For 90 minutes Uruguay were bursting to close down and get to the ball. They knew where they should be, whether attacking or when defending their single goal lead. Every man jack had a job and knew it and performed it.

 

That said England were unlucky. Rooney hitting the bar with his header, his free kick going wide. A referee who having given Uruguay a single yellow card decided that was enough for them for the entire match. Godin would have been sent off in Europe with a straight red for his karate chop to the neck. 

The game turned on the one world class star on the pitch who hadn’t played for an age, was recovering from knee surgery, whose legs could hardly hold him up at the end.

There was a more realistic approach from the English newspapers this time, none of the lunacy about a Golden generation which turned out to be laughable when the Golden generation were floored when facing a reasonably good Portugal side. A Portugal side where Decco showed what a being part of a golden generation actually looks like.

So until England find a world class star then they have to look what at what Germany have always done. Tight team play, solid at the back, workman like through midfield and take your chances when you get them.

Then they need to follow the lead of the successful teams. Players should roll around on the floor whilst their team mates surround the referee. It ain’t pretty, and I hate it, but you need to decide if you want to win or not. Uruguay decided and may well move onto the next round.

Solskjaer, the Hun, Adrian Chiles, England, Brazil and Centurian Tanks.

Whilst Solskjaer searches for the one striker he hasn’t bought yet - there is rumoured to be a midfielder at Crystal palace who once played up front in an under 16 game - our attention turns to the world cup.

Firstly Germany v Portugal. 

Or baddies, playing in white to confuse us, playing the goodies, the team from that sun soaked gorgeous holiday resort called Portugal. Now we must try to be impartial. One country has invaded the world twice in the last hundred years, has bled the continent dry of money to keep its own currency low and feeds its tourists bloated, tasteless sausages. The other is a land of sun, smiles, sexy women, cheap lager and wonderful fish dishes, a peoples whose only excursion aboard was to create Brazil, that famous resort of murder, child prostitution and sublime football. Can’t be all bad then.

Ok so got your green scarf ready. Off we go. 

Portugal are over whelmed by the Hun and Adrian Chiles loses it. 

Now you may think by ‘lose it’ I mean he got a bit shouty, a little sweaty under the gills (of which he has a few) and juggled about in his seat glaring at the boring panellists ITV have inflicted upon us. Well, picture the lady of your life when you have forgotten her birthday, or worse remembered it and bought the same present as last year, just when it is her time of the month and she has just had a row with her mum. You there yet? How about you laughing at the thought of Mohammed flying to Jerusalem on a white horse when you realise you are chatting to a well-armed Jihadist? Ah, great, up to speed.

Adrian’s problem? Well he has never before seen a German footballer dive to the ground holding his face. I know. Yes, it happens in every German football match since 1872 when Heinrick Stockridger was dispossessed, so screamed, clutched his face, rolled around on the floor screaming, ‘they are murdering me, send him off.’ It is a ruse taught to German boys as soon they can stand. Once they can stand they are taught how to fall to the floor. They have a national qualification for it. No male is allowed to fail. So no big deal, and certainly no surprises then. 

Except to Mister Chiles, who obviously doesn’t get out very often.

He couldn’t believe that the moronic imbecile Bebe, who, having already got away with thrusting his fist into Muller’s face, as if he were a light weight boxer, then returned to head-butt him. Yep, no marks for intelligence so he is sent off and off goes Adrian.

Next time the ref should send off Adrian Chiles at the same time - and I like his blokey delivery.

The ITV panel.

Aaargh. Now ITV isn’t short of money when it comes to these sorts of things. Not quite as much money as the BBC of course but then ITV isn’t allowed to stick its hand in your pocket and tear out £145 without so much as a thank you before handing it over to Miranda Hart and the cat of the nearest soap. But ITV do get advertising revenue and, as you know, the advertisers think that guys only drink beer, play video games and are worried about their hair. Well 2 out of 3 ain’t bad. Most of stopped worrying about our hair when it disappeared inside our heads to reappear in our nostrils, ears and other unsavoury places.

So with all that dosh and four years to plan why can’t they find a pundit with something to say? Lee Dixon should realise he doesn’t have to be liked, which is fatal quality in a pundit. Tell it like it is Lee. A man can have too many Christmas cards anyway sop don’t fret if they never text you agian. Patrick Viera is a good choice, wise and cool headed and jeez is he really that big. How on earth did he reach down to do up his boots? Or did he get Roy Keane to do it for him? Fabio Cannavaro’s English is better than my Italian. Yep, I don’t know a word of Italian. Fabio is the kinda guy who is misnamed. Who shall we invite to the party tonight? Well these geezer Fabio has an exciting name. What could go wrong . zzzzzz.

Four years to plan it! Come on ITV. 

The BBC only have to put up with Robbie Savage but they seem to know this and keep directing the questions at the other panellists. Can’t think why.

Brazil 3  Croatia 1

Croatia could have caused an upset. But Neymar and Oscar played even better for their country than they do for the home teams. They were both awesome. Of course Neymar would have been sent off in any European match or if Brazil weren’t playing at home. But that’s football.

England 1 Italy 2

England played exciting footie. Yep read that again. At times they looked impressive except that Italy look like a team that hadn’t won in seven games. A tired slow defence and a luck lustre attack so it isn’t easy to see where England are at the moment.

Having got used to England playing mediocre forwards like Emile Heskey and Roy Carroll for generations it was exciting to see young kids tearing at the defences.

But if they cannot beat Italy I cannot see them go far.

BTW am I other only person who felt Rooney played ok. I don’t mean brilliant or thrilling, but he broke down attacks and got the cross over for the England goal. Yeh, yeh, he should have scored. Ease off the guy, he is sensitive.

Spain 0 Chile 2

Bad news for those of you insane enough to like the tippy tappy, ‘you can’t get the ball off of us and we are going to play from left to right and then backwards until you surrender from boredom’ style of football. Spain were found out. If you haven’t got the ball then you cannot bore everyone rigid. Holland rolled them over and then and exuberant Chile did the same. End of an era.

 

So Gary Medal as centre half? Rub your eyes and watch the match. Has European footie got it wrong? Everyone knows the two centre halves need to be approaching 7 foot and with the combined weight of a Centurian tank driven by John Prescott. Yet Gary beat the lame Spanish forwards in the air, on the ground and in the middle. Then he did what we all know he can do, distribute the ball quickly.

CenturianTank, good on the ground but not very mobile in the six yard box.

Shorter than you would think except when jumping above tall forwards.

Sobs. I will miss him when he moves on.

Australia 2 Holland 3

The Aussies can do battle with the best of them. A brilliant Robben solo goal is matched by an awesome Cahill volley. Sadly the team from down under wilted like a lager left out at a barbecue. The dutch were, just about, worthy winners but shame to see them fly home.